MadTown Badgers: Nine-Point Play(ers) for Week 5

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MadTown Badgers: Nine-Point Play(ers) for Week 5

This Saturday, rumor has it that Ohio $tate will be gracious enough to take time away from committing major NCAA violations, having players suspended, vacating wins, and throwing down on Twitter to play the object of our adoration, the Wisconsin Badgers.

Furthermore, the Buckeye$ will attempt to “Scarlet out the Stadium” by doling out scarlet pompoms to the first 60,000 fans in attendance. Badger backers should be proud; you know your team has made it into the big-time when opposing teams spend all week trying to get their fans to color coordinate outfits. Asterisk State University had a black-out (this week they’re having a Maroon Monsoon! How fun! Phoenix residents call September monsoon season because it rains like three or four times in a 30 day stretch!) and now Ohio $tate University will hope that its own monochromatic approach will lead to a loss for the Badgers, as well.

REFRESHER: Article Background/Basis

Remember – it’s impossible to score nine points on one play in football. Some people are going to troll me and say that you can’t score seven or eight points on one play alone. The reality is that a touchdown directly leads to an extra point or two point conversion attempt, and there is no way for the offense to score three points on the post-touchdown conversion.

In baseball, people sometimes refer to hitters as “trying to hit a five-run homer” when they take huge swings that usually end up making little-to-no contact with the ball. Similarly, this segment is going to look at the nine players on the opposing team that will either try their hardest to, or be in the best position to score nine points on a single play and upend our beloved Badgers on the upcoming Saturday.

(1)   Braxton Miller: Quarterback, Junior. Height: 6-2 Weight: 215

Player Profile

Miller, #5, is the B1G’s most exciting player and was seen as the conference’s best shot at a Heisman candidate coming into the season. However, he’s missed the past two and a half games due to injury. Here’s to hoping Miller is covered in rust when he steps on the field Saturday night. If he is, it could mean an early turnover and some momentum for Wisconsin. Part of me wants to see the O$U quarterback go down in a heap after Borland lights him up, but the Ohio $tate offense might be better off with the next man on the list running the show, at least for this week.

I don’t want to waste too much time talking about Miller because he’s already one of the most-discussed players in the conference, but here are a few tidbits: Miller started 22 consecutive games up until two weeks ago, and he’s 16-6 in that span. He’s a communications major, which is mostly legit, but we all know football players at O$U “ain’t come to play SCHOOL, (because) classes are POINTLESS.”

(2)   Kenny Guiton: Quarterback, Senior. Height: 6-3 Weight: 210

Player Profile

Guiton, #13, is a fifth-year senior that has been called America's Most Famous Backup Quarterback, which is a touch too much, especially since Tommy Rees has been slinging the rock in South Bend more this season than Guiton has. Even Max Wittek at USC has probably been talked about more than Kenny Guiton this season, despite Wittek being awful at football.

I don’t really want to see Guiton, a Consumer and Family Financial Services major (sounds important) play against Wisconsin on Saturday because I think he’s a better passer than Miller is – especially when throwing it deep – but Miller has shown you don’t need to have great touch on your deep ball as long as you can bumble around long enough in the backfield to wait for a Wisconsin DB to fall asleep at the wheel. /Sigh.

(3)   Jordan Hall: RB/WR, Senior. Height: 5-9 Weight: 190

Player Profile

Hall, #2, is a fifth-year senior like Kenny Guiton because he cut his foot walking on grass last summer. How are you a Division I athlete, one that is described as “quick as a hiccup”, but you cut your foot on some grass and miss three games? Two games after he returned from that evil lawn mishap, Hall injured his knee against Michigan State, because that’s what happens when you send a 5-9 guy straight into the pile against the Monstars. Hasn’t Urban Meyer seen Space Jam?

Hall is a versatile offensive performer, with more than 1,000 career rushing yards (1,032), 24 career receptions, a 27.0 kickoff return average and 11 touchdowns (six rushing TDs; four receiving and one kickoff return) so Wisconsin must limit his opportunities in space. Can you imagine him turning the corner on a jet sweep with only a senior, a freshman and two sophomores in his way? Yikes.

(4)   Carlos Hyde: Running Back, Senior. Height: 6-0 Weight: 235

Player Profile

Hyde, #34 is a 22 year-old senior that spent a year after high school at Fork Union Military Academy. He’s good at assaulting women, and Ohio $tate boosters sure seem to be good at paying alleged victims to get them to chose not to pursue charges against players. This will be Hyde’s first extensive game action, as he sat out the first three games of the season after Urban Meyer brought down the banhammer for Hyde’s involvement with said woman.

Hyde was the Buckeyes' leading scorer and second-leading rusher a year ago, with 17 touchdowns to go along with 970 yards on the ground. He has never really impressed me, for some reason. He had 15 carries for 87 yards and two touchdowns in Madison last fall, which I guess are pretty good stats, and Hyde failed to record a single carry against Wisconsin during his freshman and sophomore seasons.

(5)   Devin Smith: Wide Receiver, Junior. Height: 6-1 Weight: 200

Player Profile

Smith, #9, needs no introduction. I only included him on here as a reverse-psychology ploy where you recognize and confront your tormentors head-on in order to beat them. This is the Harry Potter vs. Voldemort conundrum, where most people are loathe to refer to the vile creature that ruins lives, but I, your fearless writer, will look his picture in the eye and say NOT THIS YEAR, YOU ASSHAT.

Ohio $tate should probably hire a person to double-check their player biographies; the first sentence of Smith’s overview states that he is “…a terrific athlete and a fast athlete…” So there’s that… What’s more, Smith is communications major like Miller, so I’m sure they have lots of in-depth talks late into the night where they paint each other’s nails and tell ghost stories with curlers in their hair. All kidding aside, Smith is a burner that scored points for Ohio State's track team at both the 2012 Big Ten indoor and outdoor championships. He finished eighth indoors in the high jump (6-9) and 12th outdoors (6-9.75) also competed in the 100-meter dash and long jump for the Buckeyes. As a sophomore this past season, he qualified for the NCAA outdoor championships as part of the Buckeyes' 4×100-meter relay team.

(6)   Bradley Roby: Cornerback, Junior. Height: 5-11 Weight: 192

Player Profile

Roby, #4, is another player that missed time this season due to suspension. The returning first-team all American started every game during his freshman and sophomore seasons. He’s widely regarded as a surefire first round NFL draft pick next spring, partially because he runs a 4.3 second 40 yard dash. Roby was a semifinalist for the Thorpe Award in 2012 when he led the nation in passes defended with 19 (17 pass break-ups, which tied the OSU single season record, and two interceptions).

Guess what his major is? That’s right! Communications! Ohio $tate should never ever ever have to call a timeout on Saturday due to confusion or *gasp* miscommunication, since there are multiple players on both sides of the ball that are, you , know, MAJORING in how to communicate.

(7)   Ryan Shazier: Linebacker, Junior. Height: 6-2 Weight: 230

Player Profile

Shazier, #10, is also a returning all-American performer that is expected to be a first-round NFL draft pick next spring. Mr. No-Eyebrows led the Big Ten with 17 tackles-for-loss (the total ranks 10th for a single season at Ohio State) and finished second in the league with 115 total tackles … he also ranked in a tie for fourth in the conference in forced fumbles (3), seventh in quarterback sacks (5.0) and eighth in passes defended (12).

You may recall that this is the goon that had 12 tackles, (three tackles for loss) and forced Montee Ball to fumble at the goal line on fourth-and-inches last fall. Hey, at least he’s not a communications major! Shazier instead opted for the psychology route, and I kinda have to give him some credit because I avoided Psych like the plague when I was a student at the UW. The bell curve was too intimidating to me. Hopefully Melvin Gordon will be so intimidating on Saturday night that Shazier will avoid him like I avoided Psych. Don’t bet on it, but I’d like to see MGIII make Shazier eat some dirt a few times.

(8)   Curtis Grant: Linebacker, Junior. Height: 6-3 Weight: 243

Player Profile

Grant, #14, is the Buckeyes’ middle linebacker and he will get hella friendly with Derek Watt on Saturday night. Grant was considered the top-rated prospect in the Ohio State Class of 2011 recruits, and he played in 10 games as a true freshman in 2011, mostly on special teams. He had a huge special teams play in the 33-29 win over Wisconsin when he recovered a blocked punt OUT OF THE STUPID SPREAD FORMATION THAT I WISH ANDERSEN WOULD ABANDON… the punt was forced by the man above, Ryan Shazier, and Grant covered it at the UW 1 yard line.

HEY. GUESS WHAT. GUESS WHAT MAJOR MR. GRANT HAS. YEP. Communications. Is this one of those majors like Exploring at Asterisk State University where the teachers do all of the work for the players and assignments are things like “have a talk with your mother today” and “keep a journal three times a week?” I should’ve majored in communications. Ugh.

(9)   Urban FLUFFING Meyer: Head Coach, Second Year. 2012 Record: 12-0 (8-0). Overall: 116-23

Coach Profile

Gawd. Reading Meyer’s profile on the Ohio $tate website makes me wonder how the writer took Meyer’s manhood out of their mouth and hands long enough to transcribe a small novel on his coaching page. Meyer is a great coach – we all know that. He has two national championships, one of the ten-highest winning percentages ever in college football, and is the only coach to have won 13 games in a season three times.

Meyer has a history of letting players run free – he coached Aaron Hernandez and Riley Cooper at Florida – where he had 31 players arrested from 2005-2010. Four Buckeyes were on the wrong side of the law in 2013, but miraculously for Ohio $tate, the three that matter will all somehow be available to play when Wisconsin strolls into Columbus this weekend.

I have no idea why I want to like Urban Meyer. Maybe it’s because he coached at Bowling Green and Utah, where he stuck it to the man and went 12-0, maybe it’s because he is friends with Gary Andersen, or maybe it’s because he was the foil to good ‘ol Bert. He seemed likeable enough at Florida and his work on ESPN was pretty decent. He has had glowing reviews of Wisconsin for as far back as I can remember. HE WON’T HAVE FOND THINGS TO SAY ABOUT THE BADGERS THIS WEEK, THOUGH. HOOOOOO NO. NOT AFTER WE GO IN THERE AND SHELLACK THE NUTS RIGHT OUT OF THE BUCKEYE TREE.

Paul’s Pompous Prediction: Ohio $tate 21, Wisconsin 17 :-(

Please let me be wrong. Please let Wisconsin win. I don’t trust Stave.

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